Gamer Girls

Dear Nintendo,
I’ve noticed that this new game console you’re targeting toward women, children, and their families, is based on the premise of giving players a phallic-like controller to wave and jab around, and calling it “The Wii.”
You have even created some attachments for this sleek new button covered phallice including but not limited to a steering wheel, fishing rod, bowling ball, and sauté pan, but I do wish you’d just cut to the chase already and make it a strap-on.

Gamer Girls don’t want to play with cooking utensils and tennis rackets,
we want duel magnums and chainsaws.
We want to siege castles from the backs of dinosaurs shooting at bigger dinosaurs
Slaughter zombie nazi robot legions
Steal cars with the press of a triangle button and
pick up a hooker instead of being treated like one
We want to spill blood with our thumbs where we can’t with our fists
Screaming war cries of “head shot” “finish him” “good game nube!” “Leeroy!”

Gamer girls want to clean the showers and do the dishes
but only in The Sims
Where all 5 of our clones will also be cleaning the showers and doing the dishes
while watching a replica of that cheating ex bastard squirm in a door-less room full of clown paintings and garden gnomes on fire
(this has no relation to my psychological well being)

Gamer girls want Battle Toads 2 to finally be released
Gamer girls know that all your base are belong to us
Gamer girls play dirty
running around Golden Eye 64 whining “I can’t find a gun! don’t shoot!”
while stashing remote mines in every regeneration point and waiting for the perfect moment
to show you who’s the true boss of tactical warfare
Because tactical espionage action based games are the equivalent of playing pong
and ducking whenever the ball comes toward you.

We don’t want to be dressed as old geezers in cameo
Gamer girls aren’t offended by scantily clad gladiators.
If I was in a post apocalyptic alien invasion zone and someone was stupid enough to hand me a grenade launcher, I’d be wearing a skanky chainmail bikini too. And I’d still pwn, and
I’d do it in 4 inch heels.

I’ve seen too many casualties
Too many women chastised for flipping buttons instead of fashion magazines
Too many armies abandoned, too many cheeks blushing with embarrassment instead of pride.
I’ve got thumbs of steel baby, and if you’ve got a problem with that
you will be losing a great soldier
puzzle smasher, team mate, a great woman.
I’m gonna dance dance my way to revolution
And don’t tell me I’m going soft because I’m seeing patterns in those shiny colored gems
If you’d been grinding for six hours from the last save point only to be foiled by the red rings of microsoftial doom,
you’d be bejeweling too.

Laura Lacanette August 2010

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